Broken promises,
We lost the joy that we once knew.
Where do we go from here,
From something old to something new?
Past dreams done gone from me,
I’m losing daylight, losing view.
Son of God, where are You now?
Do You feel my need?
This last Sunday, I found myself sick of praying. I languished in bed, not even able to pull myself out for church. “Aaah, I’ll just go to another church in the evening.” And I didn’t even to that.
And I did not want to pray. I have been praying for a lot of things: ailing elderly parents, irritating goings-on a work, a recently broken relationship that I would love desparately for God to fix, and an ex-girlfriend whom I love whom I fear has strayed away from the Lover of her soul. All weighty things.
I’m lost within this forest,
Barricaded by the trees.
Will You hear my cry for help,
Would You forgive me?
I’m so far away,
I’ve run so far away.
Yet my parents still suffer, despairingly. Work has nearly removed my ability to have a social life. And I don’t know that God will do anything to restore my broken relationship with the woman I loved. Sin has a grip on me: I lack faith. I worry. Lust tempts me. And I find it hard to believe that God is up to much of anything.
Yet I was compelled this morning, to pray even when no fiber in my being felt able to, or willing. I fought it. And I wept before my Father. And the prayers spewed forth, along with the ample tears and snot running uncontrollably down my face. I felt like a blubbering fool. And yet God loved the mess that I was in, and that I would approach Him, broken yet again.
Broken promises,
Broken by me and not by You.
Jesus, break me.
Lord, snap my stubborn heart in two.
Lonely hours, so many wasted talents
That I’ve sown.
But now I’m ready to follow You, Jesus.
My dear Lord I’m coming home
Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. ÂÂ
Hebrews 4:16 ESV
Did I draw near to the throne in confidence? Uh, that would be no. I am praying because it’s all I got now, not because I necessarily believe my requests will be rewarded. I ask it all in Jesus name, but I am still waiting for God to prove his power to me. Waiting… and maybe my requests will not be answered the way I see fit. And they tell me, whatever God’s answer is will be best for me. I am still waiting.ÂÂ
Lord, I want you to change me,
Rearrange me.
Lord, I want You to mold me.
I just want You to hold me.
Sweet Savior, just love me.
Your thoughts are so high above me.
I confess that I need You.
I really know that I need You.
I need You.ÂÂ
So I am on this journey. Through a dark wood. Things are dim, but I know they are there. And I will emerge at some point, into a beautiful glade at the outer edge. Or so I am told.
Lord, help me to follow You.
Jesus, I’m gonna follow You.
I give my whole life to You.
Jesus, I’m gonna follow You.
My dear Lord, I’m coming home
Lyrics in this post are from “Awaiting
Your Reply” by Resurrection Band
GRIPPING!!! MOVING!!! RELATING…….
Wow! Thanks for the comments.
Thanks for being so open and vulnerable, Alex. I’m sure your words resound within many hearts who also hear silence, and need to stir their souls to fire once more. Remember, when we can’t see His hand, we can trust His heart. Take care!
Thanks for the kind words, Heather. Good words.
Just stumbled on your post through a related link to mine… fantastic job. Very real. Very transparent. Genuine about your struggles.
Exactly what we are called to be in this world!
It gets easier to be humbled. I know sometime I just put on my 4 inch heels and put one foot in my ear. We’re tough, no doubt but we needen’t be to ourselves or out beloved friends …
Love to you Alex
p.s. just don’t isolate it’s nothin but pure “setup for a pity party: and you know what can happen then!! It’s ugly when we abandon ourselves.
Hugs & Kisses
old bon
Thanks Bon – Appreciate your encouragement. And no worries, I cannot isolate. To many great friends in my life holding me to the fire.
Blessings!
Exactly how I felt and what I did yesterday.
how I ended up reading this today is…..only God
Thank you
Wow! Glad that this encouraged you. Appreciate your visit.
I love your honesty and humility. I have found that in those dark hours and days when God isn’t speaking back if I need to visualize myself climbing into his lap, snuggling close to his breast and allow him to wrap his tender loving arms around me until I feel secure in his presence. He is always there. Sometimes he is just silent but he promised never to leave us or forsake us.
Ken
Wow Ken, thanks for the kind words. Sometimes, I wonder about myself and my feeble ways, so I feel very encouraged by your post. Thanks!
Your post was wonderfully, brutally honest. I go through the same struggles to connect with God fully. Thank you for sharing your heart.
*I reached your blog through a possibly related link on mine*
For His glory,
CDL
Thanks Christopher – I would pay us all more to be brutally honest as followers of Jesus. Glad this was of some encouragement to you. Blessings and peace on your journey of honesty…
Alex
“If the only prayer you say in your entire life is “thank you”, that would suffice.” – Meister Eckhart
Short, sweet and powerful. And it’always the last one we think of
Best regards
Ah, Meister Eckhart. A brilliant, much-misunderstood man. Thanks for the quote. Amazingly simple, and worth deep, deep consideration.
Blessings…
It takes courage to be this transparent. I so relate. I am inspired by your honesty. Thanks!
Thanks for the encouragement. It has been hard to be honest in the midst of a Christian culture of pretense. Glad you were inspired too. More to come, hopefully.
Found your blog coz this post was linked to my Post “Trusting”
Very….Deep, and honest!!! I tell myself – It’s not always easy – but its so worth it!
Plus – I think I needed to read something like this!
Be Blessed!
Blessings to you too. Glad you found something that met your heart here. Thanks for visiting!
I just came across your blog…very good! Very genuine.
So glad I stumbled across this site. This entry was just what I needed to read.
I feel ya Alex… your desperate prayers remind me of some of mine. Lets keep runnin after Him with everything that we are!
Aaron – Psalm 103:1-5
Your words are encouraging, Aaron. God is good!
This sounds like what I went through at one time, and continue to at times. I had to piece my life together in a way that I could see it and recognize the connections between principle and practice. I’m glad I stumbled onto your site Alex.
Glad you stumbled here too cwtpmom. Hope it was of encouragement to you.
Alex, I see you wrote this entry two years ago, and I don’t know what your life has been like since then. I came across the entry through an automated link that WordPress gave me based on my own blog entry. Yesterday I felt compelled by the Spirit to encourage my brothers and sisters in a specific way, so I wrote this entry (http://thoughtlift.wordpress.com/2009/06/24/take-courage). Don’t know if it was intended for you, but please read it and be encouraged if it meets you at this time in your life.
God bless!
Thanks a lot for the post, strattonclan. I will be and check out your blog post as well.
Alex, I needed that just at this moment. Thanks! We need to hear more from you! Sheila
I think what God wants from us more than anything else is faith. With faith we can then act to correct things in our life that we know need correcting. I am praying that your faith will be stronger so you can bring about a new life with more hope and promise.
Upon reading your post beginning with the part about “Being Sick’ of praying I was reminded at first of my own situations @ times when I feel like it is God who must be “Sick” of listening to me whine. But, then He reminded me of Psalm 107, where, (Paraphrasing) He made us, He knows what it takes to break us, to get our attention, so that we will do just that…Cry Out To Him..God Bless you and thanks for a great reading blog.
If you wrote this two years ago…where are you in your prayer life now? God IS faithful…so what has happened? I would say this moment was defining for you, almost a launch pad. What were the results?
Visit me on my blog. I would be glad to hear from you.
I can so relate to this. Thank you for the honesty.
I know it’s been awhile since you have written this, but if you again begin to backslide into a situation similar to this again; try some songs to help get you through your pain.
“Take it all away.” -Red
“I’m sorry for the person I became.” -Relient K
“When I go down.” -Relient K
“Surrender.” -Skillet
“Pieces.” -Red
“Forgive me.” -Foolish Things
“Spirit Come.” -Foolish Things
Well Holy Moly Batman! How did you get in my head and in my heart. So much of what you shared…could have been me speaking.
Thank you for your honesty, its hard sometimes…to believe…when it seems nothing is going on…and yet we do believe…despite it all…because really what other option is there. For Jesus alone has the words of life. I don’t know anything anymore…and all I can do is cling to my hope in Him…that He really is Lord and really is able. Even in spite of me.
Heather
Wow, a 2 year old post lives on. You are sharing from your heart and that’s what matters. I am another one who found your link through a related post at http://www.slownewday.wordpress.com
Keep up the transparency!
I believe God led me to your blog post.
Its odd, reading this is like gazing into a mirror of my own spiritual and outside conflicts. Thank you for opening yourself up; now I dont feel so alone. Lately I’ve been feeling like God isnt in me. I keep doing the same sins over and over. I feel lost.
I got sick of praying, I’m only 16 but I feel 60.
Thankyou again for opening up. Maybe I need to drown out the noise in my day and have a talk with God